The Dating Blueprint: Serious Phase Previous Phase: Phone Phase Next Phase: Engagement Phase Introduction Now that you are well acquainted with your prospect, in-person dating can begin. The primary goal of the Serious Phase is to make sure everything they told you over the phone is true and make sure their character is in check. Make sure they don't push boundaries. Make sure they answered the questions truthfully. Vet their character. Vet their friends. Vet their family. How long will the Serious Phase last? If you set the 'proposal boundary' of at least 48 in-person dates, four dates a month would take around a year and two dates a month would take around two years. If they push a boundary more than once, it ends (Two-Strike Method - see at end of post). If their character doesn't match your expectations, it ends. If their words don't match their actions, it ends. If they propose and you say yes, it ends. If they propose and you say no, it ends. If they end it for any of their own reasons, it ends. Prospect Quantity Realistically, you could probably handle 2 people at the same time using the default boundaries in the Phone Phase. You could date one each Sunday and the other each Saturday. You could date each Saturday, but alternate partners (weekend 1: partner 1; weekend 2: partner 2; weekend 3: partner 1; weekend 4: partner 2). Dating more than two people at the same time could make it take longer to go on enough dates to know them. What to expect. Boundary pushing. Always be alert for boundary pushing tactics. This post has boundary pushing tactics you should watch for. Nervousness. In-person dating can always be a bit anxiety-inducing, especially when you have to make sure they will respect boundaries. Rejection. Maybe they will see you in person the first time and be like 'nah.' Maybe they won't like your personality. You still aren't out of the rejection zone yet. If you get rejected and lose one prospect, fill them in with another who got passed the Phone Phase. The gist. You want to test the fruits of the prospect to make sure their words match their actions. Rules of the Phase General Rules Now is the time to talk about general interests and get to know their personality. Safety Rules Here is a summary of safety rules to consider while you date in-person at least for the first several dates. For a more in-depth explanation of these rules, read this post. Don't give them location specifics for your job, house, gym, church, or anything else. Don't tell them any specific addresses for your job, house, gym, church, or anything else until you know they will respect the boundaries and you trust them at least 90%. Don't tell them your living situation (who you live with, etc.). Don't tell them your living situation until you trust them 90%. They still need to be vetted. Tell a friend. Tell the friend or family member where you are going, what time you are going, and give them as many details about the prospect as you can like the prospect's full name, race, height, eye color, hair color and texture, and what they are wearing for the date if you can. Tell the friend or family member that you will text or call them at {insert time}. If you do not contact the friend or family member at that time tell them they should alert authorities. Set an alarm for yourself so you don't forget. Bring a friend. Bring a friend or family member to keep an eye on you from a distance. Come up with a signal to give for when you feel uncomfortable (like stretching or putting a piece of hair behind your ear or itching your ear). After the signal, the friend or family member can act like they just happened to spot you out and strike up a conversation. Stay public. Don't get in their car. Don't let them in your car. Don't go to their place. Don't let them come to your place. Don't go to anybody's place (party, uncle's hunting cabin, etc.). Don't go to a hotel. Don't go on a hike or trail. Don't go to the public park or lake. Don't go hangout in a neighborhood. Go to Starbucks in Target. Go to Olive Garden. Go to Outback Steakhouse. Go to Texas Roadhouse. Go to the main cafeteria at a college campus. Go to the main food court at the mall. Go to a bowling alley. Go to the cafe of a mega church right after the first of two services while tons of people are still there. The gist is stay in public areas with a lot of other people and security footage. Don't consume anything you had your eyes off of. If you bring it, don't take your eyes off of it from the time you get there to the time you consume it. If they make it, don't eat it unless you watched them make it entirely. If they bring you a drink, make sure you watch them open it the first time. Date between 11 AM - 4 PM. Date during the day time when it's light outside. The lady chooses the location. By letting the lady choose the location, she can mitigate the risk of an abduction setup. Human trafficking operations can happen in ‘normal’ businesses. Here is an official news article about a wedding dress shop that had human trafficking and drug operations in the back (at night, another reason to date during the day). By choosing the location, a woman can feel more at ease about the risk of a setup or something. Carry self-protection. Have something to defend yourself with, whether a rock in the bottom of a bag, a stun-gun, or a fountain pen. Make sure nobody follows you to your car or home. As you leave, make sure you aren't being followed in any way. For an in-depth explanation, read this article. Vetting. Vet their behavior. Make sure they respect your boundaries throughout the dating process, especially as time goes on and they get more comfortable. Vet their friends. At some point you need to meet their friends in a safe environment, preferably at a public establishment not a house if the trust is still iffy. Great places to go as a group include bowling, church group, and escape rooms. Assume they are their friends. Assume any bad behavior you see in their friends they also possess. Will their friends try to give unwarranted advice about your relationship? Will their friends provide positive or negative peer pressure for your relationship? (negative = encouraging cheating | positive = encouraging faithfulness) Vet their family. At some point you need to meet their family. Assume they are their family. Assume any bad behavior you see in their family they also possess. Will their family try to give unwarranted advice about your relationship? Will their family provide positive or negative peer pressure for your relationship? (negative = encouraging cheating | positive = encouraging faithfulness) Vet the emotions. See them angry at you. Do they overreact compared to the situation? Drop them if they overreact. See them angry at others. Do they overreact compared to the situation? Drop them if they overreact. See them sad. Do they hold themselves together or drown in self-pity? See them happy. See them reasonably drunk/tipsy. Red Flags Boundary pushing Make sure they do not push your boundaries in any way. Here is a post on boundary pushing tactics. Use the Two Strike Method Sometimes people might genuinely forget your boundary, while other people truly are trying to see how far they can push it. This is why you should use the Two Strike Method. If somebody crosses a boundary once, assume they forgot and politely remind them and continue practicing your boundary. If somebody crosses a boundary the second time, assume it was intentional and break things off. Don't question or reason with them. Actions not matching texts You've already asked your prospect a lot about themselves, their boundaries, and their expectations. If for some reason their actions in-person don't match what they communicated in the texts, that is a red flag. The Proposal If you couldn’t leave your family for this person, don’t accept a proposal. What happens if they have conflicts with your family? The right thing would be to side with your spouse (unless it’s a crime). If you couldn’t leave your friendships for this person, don’t accept a proposal. What happens if they have conflicts with your friends? The right thing would be to side with your spouse (unless it’s a crime). If you couldn’t move to another country without being fearful, don’t accept a proposal. If you don’t think they would be a good parent, don’t accept a proposal. Even if you don’t want kids, accidents happen. If you haven’t seen them angry at YOU, don’t accept a proposal. If you haven’t seen them angry at OTHERS, don’t accept a proposal. If you have seen them angry at YOU and they were over-reacting, don’t accept a proposal. If you have seen them angry at OTHERS and they were over-reacting, don’t accept a proposal. If they are not generous, compassionate, empathetic, friendly, forgiving, chaste, assertive, trustworthy, honest, financially responsible and stable, and selfless, do not accept a proposal. If they do not have sexual self control, do not accept a proposal. If they are transactional, stingy, apathetic, rude, unforgiving, promiscuous, aggressive or passive in communication, untrustworthy, deceitful, financially irresponsible and unstable, and selfish, do not accept a proposal. If they have shown excessive signs of selfishness, don’t accept a proposal. Conclusion If you accept a marriage proposal, move on to the next phase. Next Phase: The Engagement Phase Previous Phase: The Phone Phase