Manipulation Tactics to Watch for in Dating Introduction A lot of manipulation is accidental, but some is intentional. If you have good intentions, but you are naive, you will be easily manipulated, whether the manipulation is accidental or intentional. This post is to help educate you on common manipulation tactics to watch for in dating and how to handle them. Important Realization A prospect might not be intentionally trying to manipulate you, but it can still happen. To prevent being manipulated by other people accidentally or intentionally, you need to know your boundaries, communicate them directly to the other person over the phone before you date in-person, and if their boundaries are not compatible with yours, do not date them in-person at all. For examples on accidental manipulation, read this article. Two Strike Method If they forget. Sometimes people genuinely might forget your boundary. If somebody crosses a boundary once, assume they forgot and politely remind them and continue practicing your boundary. If somebody crosses a boundary the second time, assume it was intentional and break things off. Don't question or reason with them. Boundary Surrender Tactics You need to watch for these tactics when you set boundaries. If you see this behavior consider ending the relationship. If you follow The Dating Blueprint you need to watch for these tactics in the Phone Phase and once you start dating in person. Playing Dumb | Boundary Surrender Tactic When the prospect misses the essence of your boundary... If you set a boundary and the prospect acts like they don't understand the boundary, that could be the 'Playing Dumb' boundary surrender tactic meant to confuse you and make you over explain yourself, which might give them the opportunity to argue out of the boundary. Example YOU: I don't want any physical romantic contact until we are married. THEM (Playing Dumb): But sex isn't always romantic for me. THEM (Acceptable Reply): I imagine that includes sex. If it does, I don't want to date. YOU: Yes it includes sex, so we shouldn't date. Boundary Insult | Boundary Surrender Tactic When the prospect insults you for your boundary... If you set a boundary and the prospect criticizes the boundary or criticizes you for having the boundary, that could be the 'Boundary Insult' boundary surrender tactic meant to guilt or pressure you into abandoning your boundary. Example - 'Damaged Goods' YOU: I have had sexual relations with 5 people in the past, but I have been celibate for 2 years and have changed and do not want any more romantic physical contact until I am married. THEM (Boundary Insult): Wow, you really think you are worth waiting for. You're damaged goods. Nobody will wait for you. THEM (Acceptable Reply): I do not want to wait to have sex with somebody who has already had sex with 5 people. YOU: I respect your viewpoint. We shouldn't date. Example - 'You're Too Much' YOU: I don't want any physical romantic contact until my marriage is finalized. This includes kissing, holding hands, sex, and other forms of romantic contact. THEM (Boundary Insult): Wow, you're too much. Nobody will date you. THEM (Acceptable Reply): I desire romantic contact before marriage. YOU: I respect your viewpoint. We shouldn't date. Example - 'You're {insert insult - selfish, crazy, a freak, weirdo}' YOU: I don't want you knowing where I live. I don't need any gifts until I know you better. THEM (Boundary Insult): That's pretty selfish of you to turn down somebody's good intentions. THEM (Acceptable Reply): You seem too paranoid for me, I don't want to date. YOU: I respect your viewpoint. If that is your viewpoint we shouldn't date. Love Bombing | Boundary Surrender Tactic When the prospect showers you with love, gifts, and affection so you drop your boundaries... If you set a boundary and the prospect immediately wants to shower you with love, and gifts, and stuff and then starts to push your boundaries after they do, that could be the 'Love Bombing' boundary surrender tactic meant to prey on potential guilt (from them getting you things and then asking for 'favors' in return) and gain your trust so you abandon your boundary. Empathy Lure | Boundary Surrender Tactic When the prospect tries to prey on your empathy to get you to drop your boundaries... If you set a boundary and the prospect attempts to evoke an empathetic response out of you so you drop your boundary, that could be the 'Empathy Lure' boundary surrender tactic meant to prey on your empathy so you abandon your boundary. Example - 'It's How I Show Love' YOU: I do not want to have sex until we are legally married. THEM (Empathy Lure): Sex is how I show love and I would feel unloved without it. THEM (Acceptable Reply): I want sex in my relationship. YOU: I respect your viewpoint. We shouldn't date. Wolf-Sheep-Wolf | Boundary Surrender Tactic When the prospect tries to convince you that you don't need to have your boundaries, especially with them... If you set a boundary and the prospect tries to tell you that you have nothing to worry about and/or immediately tries to gain your trust quickly, that could be the 'Wolf-Sheep-Wolf' boundary surrender tactic meant to gain your trust or make you second-guess your boundary so you abandon your boundary. Example YOU: I can provide my own transportation. I do not want to be offered any rides from you or strangers. THEM (Wolf-Sheep-Wolf): You don't have to worry. I'm not crazy or anything. Also, it would be better if I drove and we rode together so we could talk. THEM (Acceptable Reply): I want to use our time wisely and ride together so we can talk more. YOU: I respect your viewpoint. We shouldn't date if that is what you want currently. This tactic gets its name from the victim's perspective of thinking the prospect might be a 'wolf'; the prospect attempting to persuade the victim that he/she is actually a 'sheep' to gain the victims trust; and then finally, the victim falling for the trap and finding out the prospect was a 'wolf' all along. Convenience | Boundary Surrender Tactic When the prospect tries to make your boundary seem inconvenient to them to make you feel guilty for having your boundary... If you set a boundary and the prospect tries to tell you things would be more convenient without your boundary, that could be the 'Convenience' boundary surrender tactic meant to guilt you for having your boundary so you abandon your boundary. Example YOU: I can provide my own transportation. I do not want to be offered any rides. THEM (Convenience): It really sucks we can't ride together. It would be better if we rode together so we could talk. THEM (Acceptable Reply): I want to ride together so we can talk. YOU: I respect your viewpoint. We shouldn't date if that is what you want currently. Question Dodging Tactics You need to watch for these tactics when you ask questions over the phone with your prospect. If you follow The Dating Blueprint you need to watch for these tactics in the Phone Phase and once you start dating in person. Playing Dumb When the prospect tries to distract you from the question by acting like they don't understand the question... If you ask a simple question and the prospect acts like they don't understand the question or the point of the question, that could be the 'Playing Dumb' question dodging tactic meant to evade giving you the truth. Example YOU: If you had a child, would you tell them they should be wary of men’s intentions? THEM (Playing Dumb): What do you mean? THEM (Acceptable Reply): Yes. Red Herring / Missing the Point When the prospect tries to distract you from the main point of the question by focusing on a different aspect of the question... If you ask a simple question and the prospect misses the point of the question and/or throws in information to distract you from the main point of the question, that could be the 'Red Herring / Missing the Point' question dodging tactic meant to evade giving you the truth. Example YOU: If you had a child, would you tell them they should be wary of men’s intentions? THEM (Red Herring): I don't have a child. THEM (Acceptable Reply): Yes. Delayed Response When the prospect intentionally waits to respond to your question so they can use the 'Memory Loss' tactic... If you ask a question and the prospect intentionally waits to tell you the answer, that could be the 'Delayed Response' question dodging tactic meant to evade giving you the truth. Example YOU: You always smirk like that when you aren’t telling me the full truth. What weren’t you telling me earlier today? MESSAGE SENT: 9 AM. MESSAGE READ: 12 PM. MESSAGE REPLIED TO: 6 PM. THEM (Delayed Response): I don't even remember what we were talking about. THEM (Acceptable Reply): You're right. I need to tell you something... The 'Delayed Response' tactic always results in the 'Memory Loss' tactic. They will wait to tell you so they can say "I forgot what we were even talking about." Skippy Response When the prospect waits to respond to you and then never answers the question and tries to start a different conversation... If you ask a question and the prospect waits hours before responding and skips over the question entirely and moves on to another conversation, that could be the 'Skippy Response' question dodging tactic meant to evade giving you the truth. Example YOU: Do you have a criminal record? MESSAGE SENT: MON 9 AM MESSAGE REPLIED TO: TUE 6 PM THEM (Skippy Response): Hey, how was your day? THEM (Acceptable Reply): Yeah, but I need to tell you... The 'Skippy Response' tactic is similar to the 'Delayed Response' tactic. The main difference is that the 'Delayed Response' will always end with the 'Memory Loss' tactic. The 'Skippy Response' tactic will always end with the question being 'skipped' over and another conversation being attempted. Question response delayed -> The prospect ignores the question all together and starts a new conversation = 'Skippy Response' tactic. Question response delayed -> The prospect says they forgot what you were talking about so they can't answer the question = 'Delayed Response into Memory Loss' tactics. Memory Loss When the prospect acts like they can't remember details and therefore cannot answer the question... If you ask a question and the prospect tells you they don't remember, that could be the 'Memory Loss' question dodging tactic meant to evade giving you the truth. Example YOU: You always smirk like that when you aren’t telling me the full truth. What weren’t you telling me earlier today? THEM (Memory Loss): I don't even remember what we were talking about. THEM (Acceptable Reply): You're right. I need to tell you something... Scare Tactic When the prospect gets angry at you for asking a question with hopes that will prevent further questioning... If you ask a question and the prospect gets angry at you in an attempt to prevent you from questioning them further, that could be the 'Scare Tactic' question dodging tactic meant to evade giving you the truth. Example YOU: You always smirk like that when you aren’t telling me the full truth. What weren’t you telling me earlier today? THEM (Scare Tactic): CAN YOU JUST SCREW OFF FOR ONCE! (visibly angry and becoming violent) THEM (Acceptable Reply): You're right. I need to tell you something... Lying When the prospect gives false information to avoid answering the question truthfully... Pure Lie If you ask a question and the prospect lies entirely without any truth, that could be the 'Pure Lie' question dodging tactic meant to evade giving you the truth. It can be hard to know if somebody flat-out lies to you if you don't know them at all. Omission Lie If you ask a question and the prospect tells you some truth but leaves out some information, especially if that information would alter your judgement, that could be the 'Omission Lie' question dodging tactic meant to evade giving you the truth. Gaslighting If you ask a question and the prospect lies by telling you that you remembered the event or circumstances incorrectly, that could be the 'Gaslighting' question dodging tactic meant to evade giving you the truth. White Lie There is no such thing. All lies will fall in one of the categories above. Conclusion Make sure to keep an eye on your prospect's behavior. Use the Two-Strike Method. If they show any of the same tactic more than once, assume it is intentional and consider ending the relationship. When setting boundaries, directly state what you want or expect with tact; and expect the same from the prospect. If you notice manipulative behavior when setting boundaries or after you've set them, use the Two-Strike Method and immediately stop seeing the prospect if the behavior happens more than once.