Manipulation in Romantic Relationships What is manipulation. Manipulation is when one person derives personal benefit from another person and the other person did not consent to having that benefit derived under the true circumstances. Most manipulation is accidental. Whenever we feel used or manipulated we often assume the other person's actions are deliberate and start painting them as evil, but this might not be the case. The majority of manipulation in relationships is accidental and occurs because both parties failed to agree on boundaries and expectations before the relationship began. Many people start showing manipulative and controlling behavior due to strong emotions they can't control that resulted from not setting boundaries for themselves, not because they are ‘evil.’ There are definitely evil people, but most people are genuinely experiencing strong emotions that resulted from not setting boundaries for themselves. Example: You didn’t want your girlfriend going to bars once you started dating, but you never told her that (failed to set boundaries). She never told you she intended to keep going (failed to set boundaries). You both just assumed you would be on the same page and you were not, so both of you end up getting angry at each other (accidental manipulation). You think she is trying to derive the benefit of being in a relationship while still keeping the door open for other options. She thinks you are trying to isolate her from her friends so you have control over her. Those might not be your intentions, but she doesn't know that. Those might not be her intentions, but you don't know that. She assumes the worst, and so do you. Both of you feel 'used' and 'manipulated' because both of you failed to set clear relationship boundaries. For a list of boundaries to set when you first start dating, read the Phone Phase of The Dating Blueprint. Most 'manipulation' in relationships is accidental and results from failing to set boundaries or letting somebody push your boundaries without breaking things off, and that miscommunication leads to ‘manipulative’ behavior from both parties. Setting boundaries prevents manipulation happening to you or the other person. It's you too. The biggest mind-boggling realization is that you are also manipulating other people when you fail to set boundaries. You cannot assume you are on the same page, you need to explicitly set expectations and boundaries. Nearly all manipulation in romantic relationships results from not doing that. Example: You are on a date with a guy. He expects sex if he pays, but he didn’t tell you (failed to set boundaries). You didn’t want to have sex until you were married, but you didn’t tell him that (failed to set boundaries). He pays. You don’t have sex. He blows up on you because you didn’t ‘put out’ (accidental manipulation). Both of you feel the other is attempting to take something that you want to protect and you blame each other because you fail to see your own fault: YOU DIDN’T SET BOUNDARIES. The woman thinks the man is trying to guilt her into sex. He thinks the woman is trying to get a free meal out of him. Both think the other’s actions were intentional and start spreading hate towards the opposite sex. ‘Women are gold diggers!’ - ‘Men are sex-crazed monsters!’ Neither of you had malicious intent, you just were not on the same page because you didn’t communicate your boundaries and expectations before dating. Intentional manipulation. You don't need to waste mental energy determining if somebody's manipulation is accidental or intentional, you only need to have boundaries and protect them. By setting boundaries for yourself, you protect yourself from being manipulated intentionally or accidentally. Predators exist. Some people do have deliberate intent, but setting boundaries and ceasing dating with people who don't respect those boundaries protects you from intentional manipulators. Examples of deliberate manipulation Straight Challenge: If you set a boundary and they start trying to get you to abandon it in any way (insulting you or your boundary, telling you nobody will do that for you, trying to reason you out of it) they are most likely trying to manipulate you. Don't date. Accept then Challenge: If you set a boundary that the other person accepts, yet they end up pushing the boundary in any way later on in the relationship without asking, they are most likely attempting to manipulate you. Break up. When to set boundaries and expectations. It's best to set boundaries over text before in-person dating begins. This protects you in several ways physically, emotionally, and financially. It especially protects you emotionally by preventing you from becoming emotionally connected to somebody you are incompatible with. The Phone Phase of The Dating Blueprint walks you through tons of relationship expectations and boundaries to communicate to your prospect. When to break up. Everybody makes mistakes. If you’ve failed to set boundaries in your relationship up to a certain point, admit that. Have a serious conversation with your partner. Set your new clear boundaries (use The Dating Blueprint's 'Phone Phase' boundaries for guidance). Ask your partner for their new boundaries as well. If your partner brushes your attempt to set new boundaries off, it's time to break up. If they do set boundaries and your boundaries are incompatible, then you are incompatible and it's time to break up. Forgive yourself for not setting boundaries to begin with, and forgive them as well. For wisdom and tips for overcoming heartbreak, read this article. Conclusion Most manipulation is the result of failing to set boundaries, protecting your own boundaries, or failing to respect the boundaries of the other person. Never assume, always proclaim your boundaries and ask the other person what their boundaries are.