The Dating Blueprint: Phone Phase Previous Phase: Preparation Phase Next Phase: Serious Phase Introduction The primary goal of the Phone Phase is to keep you safe physically, emotionally, spiritually, and financially. Before you date in person, you want to make sure this person has signs of being safe (no criminal record, good behavioral history, etc.) and you are aware of any illnesses or STIs. This will optimize physical safety. Before you date in person, you want to make sure this prospect is compatible with your boundaries and desired relationship dynamics if you happen to become romantically attached. This will optimize emotional safety. Before you date in person, you want to get to know them as much as possible to make sure this person is somebody you are okay investing time, energy, and money into. This will optimize financial safety. Before you date in person, you want to make sure this person will be spiritually compatible. This will optimize spiritual safety. The Phone Phase will guide you through finding out and communicating all of this information and more before you date in person to optimize your overall safety while you date. How long will the Phone Phase last? You will go through this guide and decide which information you want to apply to your relationship. You will communicate that information to the prospect. The Phone Phase will last until the prospect is incompatible with a boundary or question you have or until they agree with all or most of the information you present to them and you can begin in-person dating. Prospect Quantity It is recommended to talk to as many people as possible for this phase because most people probably won't make it to the next round. If you set the boundary of no physical romantic contact until engagement or marriage with all of your prospects, you can date multiple prospects at the same time without issue, just let them know that is what you will do (both of these boundaries are set in the Phone Phase). What to expect. Lots of information. The Phone Phase is the phase of information. Due to the large amount of information to remember about the other person, it is highly recommended to text as opposed to calling. Other benefits of texting include having more time to think about responses and avoiding them being able to use the 'I forgot' or 'I didn't say that' manipulation tactic. Rejection. Most people don't understand boundaries and expect other people to not have any, so don't be surprised when you are rejected for having boundaries that keep you safe. Most people want to exploit, not build a long-term relationship. Boundary pushing. Always be alert for boundary pushing tactics. This post has boundary pushing tactics you should watch for. The gist. You want to find out nearly everything about your prospect before you date them in person. This guide gets down into the nitty-gritty. There are a lot of things you would forget to ask and consider without this guide. Rules of the Phase General Rules Text. Complete this phase via text instead of calling. If you are in the Phone Phase with multiple prospects, you will have TONS to remember. Having text messages can help you remember and also have time to reflect on their answers. Texting is mutually beneficial if both parties want to remember boundaries and question replies (which should be the case). If a prospect doesn't agree to text, do not date them. They might already be planning on using the 'I forgot about that boundary' excuse or they don't want a paper trail of their responses to your question to leave the door open for manipulation. The 'Boundaries' section already includes a "Text Boundary" You do not have to use your phone number, but do not use SnapChat or any other 'text' system that auto-deletes messages. Consider a dodged reply as the undesired response and drop the prospect. If a prospect won't agree to every single boundary you set for yourself, drop them and move on. Be aware of manipulation. Make sure you know which manipulation tactics to look for. Here is a guide. Safety Rules Do not meet in person. Do not meet in person until every boundary is agreed to and every vital question is answered and the responses are appropriate (you judge that). Do not give them location specifics. Do not tell them WHERE you work, only what you do. Do not tell them WHERE you live. Just give the state and county, do not be more specific. Do not tell them WHERE you workout. Just politely state, "I would like to get to know you better before I give location specifics. If that is an issue we shouldn't talk." Do not tell them WHERE you go to church. Just politely state, "I would like to get to know you better before I give location specifics. If that is an issue we shouldn't talk." Tips Questions are in order. The questions and boundaries are in the order you should ask them. What you see is the default. This is a guide. The text you see is the default example of what to say to the prospect. Come up with your own specific communication or use what is there. Incompatibility ethics. If the prospect gives an incompatible response, respectfully tell them you are incompatible. REPLY: We have different views so we are incompatible and shouldn't date. Perspective. The questions are worded to apply to straight couples, but LGBTQ+ individuals can reword them. Religious Compatibility Religion + Denomination Christian. I’m a non-denominational Protestant / Greek Orthodox / Catholic Christian, non-denominational. Do you have a religion? If yes, what religion are you and what type and denomination? Muslim. I'm a Sunni/Shia Muslim. Do you have a religion? If yes, what religion are you and what type and denomination? Atheist. I'm an atheist, so I don't believe in god. Do you have a religion? If yes, what religion are you and what type and denomination? Agnostic atheist. I'm an agnostic atheist, so I don't know if god is real, and I doubt he is. Do you have a religion? If yes, what religion are you and what type and denomination? Agnostic theist. I'm an agnostic theist, so I don't know if god is real, but I bet he is. Do you have a religion? If yes, what religion are you and what type and denomination? Still searching. I am still searching for god and what I believe. Do you have a religion? If yes, what religion are you and what type and denomination? Other. I'm a Hindu / Sikh / Buddhist. Do you have a religion? If yes, what religion are you and what type and denomination? Life Authority Christian The authority in my life is Jesus Christ. That is where I get my morality from. Who is the authority in your life, and what I mean by that is who or what governs your morality and how you decide to behave on a daily basis? Muslim. The authority in my life is the Quran and Hadiths. That is where I get my morality from. Who is the authority in your life, and what I mean by that is who or what governs your morality and how you decide to behave on a daily basis? Atheist. The authority in my life is ultimately myself, though I practice Greek philosophical ethics. That is where I get my morality from. Who is the authority in your life, and what I mean by that is who or what governs your morality and how you decide to behave on a daily basis? You get the gist... Nonnegotiable Boundaries Default boundaries. The default boundaries are the most strict and recommended, but you can adjust the boundaries to your preferences. Purpose Boundary GIRLS: I am dating for marriage. If you are not I do not want to date. GUYS: I am dating for marriage. If you are not I do not want to date. This boundary prevents you from wasting time with somebody who doesn't want a serious relationship. Texting Boundary GIRLS: I am open to calling so you can hear my voice and prove I'm not a catfish or something, but when we are talking boundaries and asking questions I want to text. It helps me remember your boundaries and question responses, and gives me time to reflect. Will that work for you? GUYS: I am open to calling so you can hear my voice and prove I'm not a catfish or something, but when we are talking boundaries and asking questions I want to text. It helps me remember your boundaries and question responses, and gives me time to reflect. Will that work for you? This boundary will help both people remember details about the other one and not have an excuse to have forgotten something. It also gives you plenty of time to look back over information and think about continuing the relationship. In-Person Dating Boundary BOTH: To avoid getting emotionally attached to somebody I am not compatible with, I do not want to date in person until we go through boundaries and answer tons of important questions. Do you agree? This boundary helps mitigate or prevent heartbreak by preventing you from getting emotionally attached to somebody you are not compatible with. It also helps mitigate the risk of r*pe because you will get to know the prospect quite well before you date in person and they will know your boundaries. Chivalry Boundary GIRL: I do not want you paying for my dates, opening the doors, getting me gifts or flowers, or doing anything romantically chivalrous until we are engaged. I think you should save your resources and special treatment for a woman you are serious about. I want to get to know each other strictly as friends first. GUY: I will not be paying for your dates, opening doors, or doing anything romantically chivalrous until we are engaged. I want to save my resources and special treatment for my future wife. I want to get to know each other strictly as friends first. This boundary protects financial resources. It also prevents either party being pressured into doing 'physical' favors because one party pays. This boundary also prevents love bombing attempts. Physical Contact Boundary BOTH: I want to get to know each other strictly as friends. I do not want a romantic relationship or to be touched physically in any way until our marriage is finalized (so after we turn our marriage register into the courthouse, not necessarily the wedding night). There is one exception: I accept side-hugs after I give verbal consent. I will let you know when I am okay with that. Don't try to read my body language. Yes, this means no sex, no kissing, no holding hands, no front-hugs, no touching anywhere else (legs, arms). In other words, no physical contact, especially if it could be perceived as romantic. Once married, a physically romantic relationship can begin with hugging, kissing, holding hands, sex, and more. I am not prude, I just have values. On our wedding night, I will be nice and horny and ready. I also want to date somebody with the same boundaries for themselves, so if you don't have these boundaries I do not want to date. Do you agree and do you have those boundaries for yourself? This boundary potentially prevents a lot of things including 'accidental' r*pe due to 'miscommunication', contracting STIs (because later in the Phone Phase you will ask about STIs), and getting attached to somebody you aren't compatible with. Dating Multiple People BOTH: Since I do not engage in physically romantic behavior and I won’t be until I am legally married, I do date multiple people at the same time. Once I am engaged, I will break off all other prospects. This boundary communicates your intentions with the other person so you remain transparent. It also ensures you can find the person you are most compatible with in a shorter amount of time than having to date one person at a time. Proposal Boundary GIRLS: I do not want to be proposed to until we have gone on at least 48 in-person dates. Four dates a month would take around a year. Two dates a month would take around two years. I want to go on at least two dates per month, though I will not hold a work schedule against you. On the other hand, if I am not proposed to within 2 years from now, I will cut off contact with you if I haven't already. Additionally, I will stop communicating with other dating partners once we are engaged, but I will not delete their numbers until we are legally married in case either of us backs out of marriage last minute or something. This prevents them from trying to rush the relationship so they can rush physical contact boundaries (if you happened to put the physical contact boundary at engagement, they might rush to get engaged, and put off the actual marriage). This also prevents them from dragging the relationship out for too long and wasting your time. Engagement Period Boundary BOTH: If we happen to get engaged, I do not want our engagement lasting longer than 1 year. If we are not legally married within 1 year or have our wedding planned within 1 year, I will be breaking off the relationship. This protects the time of both parties and ensures somebody doesn't try to drag an engagement out for years. Cohabitation Boundary BOTH: I will not be moving in with a man I am not legally married to, nor do I want to be asked to. This boundary protects you financially by preventing you from moving in with somebody that you aren't compatible with or in a fully committed relationship with. Dating Location Boundary BOTH: If our boundaries and question responses are compatible and we start dating in person, I want to stay completely public. I do not want to be alone with you in any private place until we are married. Private places include, but are not limited to, your place, my place, hotel rooms, hikes or trails, etc. Do you agree? GIRLS: I also want to choose the dating location until I am more comfortable with you. I will let you know when I am comfortable enough for you to choose the dating location. This boundary protects you physically by mitigating the risk of your physical contact boundary being violated intentionally or you letting your guard down. It also mitigates your risk of being the victim of crimes like murder or abductions. Invitation Boundary BOTH: In essence of the previous boundary, I do not want to be invited back to your place for any reason until further notice. This boundary prevents you from having to feel bad about saying 'no' if a prospect attempts to act nice and invite you back to their place (most likely for sex). Transportation Boundary BOTH: I will provide my own transportation for our dates. I do not want you offering to give me rides until I know you aren't crazy. I also won't be offering you any until I know the same. I will let you know when that is. This boundary protects you physically by mitigating the risk of crimes like abductions, which can lead to r*pe and/or murder. Curfew Boundary BOTH: I only want to date between 11 AM and 4 PM until we are engaged. Once engaged, I am open to dating between 11 AM and 9 PM. This boundary protects you physically by mitigating the risk of crimes. Most crimes happen at night under the cover of darkness. Date during the day when it is light, there are people out and about, and there are also more staff at establishments. Communication Boundary BOTH: While we date, I expect to text or communicate frequently until all of my questions are answered. Once I am married, I want to be texted or contacted at least once a day if you are at work. This boundary protects you emotionally by letting them know how much you desire to communicate which can determine if you will be compatible. Body Language Boundary BOTH: Do not try to read my body language to determine my boundaries. If you have questions or forget a boundary, ask verbally or via text before assuming. I won't get mad for asking! If any boundary of mine changes or updates, I will try to let you know verbally or in writing before you have to ask. This boundary prevents the prospect from 'thinking you meant something' (like giving them a kind look and them automatically thinking you want to have sex despite your physical contact boundary). Phone Sharing Boundary. Once married, I expect to have the password to my spouse's phone and go through it whenever I please without warning, including social media accounts. My spouse can go through mine as well. Is that something you are open to? Location Sharing Boundary From the point of engagement forward, I want access to my partner’s location (like with Life360). He of course can have mine as well. Is that something you are open to? Marriage Dynamics Make sure you will be on the same page about marriage. What is True Love To me, true love is not a feeling, it is a choice and commitment. It’s when you commit to showing somebody kindness, honesty, fidelity, trustworthiness, forgiveness, encouragement, and other behavior that builds them up instead of tearing them down. What is true love for you? What Does Marriage Represent GIRLS: What does marriage represent to you, why do you want to get married? What is the point of you? To me, marriage represents Christ’s love for the church. As the woman I represent the church. If we decide to get married, are you prepared to live selflessly for my sake and lay down your life for me and our family if we get married? GUYS: What does marriage represent to you, why do you want to get married? What is the point of you? To me, marriage represents Christ’s love for the church. As the man I represent Christ. If we decide to get married, are you prepared to submit yourself and our children under my sacrificial love, guidance and overall authority? Legal Marriage + Prenup BOTH: Do you think marriage needs to be legal or do you think people can be ‘married in their hearts’ and they don’t need to bring the law into their marriage? BOTH: If you think legal marriage is necessary, what are your thoughts on a prenup? Legal marriage is highly recommended if children will be involved. If a prenup is necessary, consider that option. Reasons for Divorce or Separation BOTH: I would physically separate over physical abuse, prolonged and intentional psychological abuse, and substance abuse. I would highly consider legal divorce over porn addition, physical infidelity or emotional infidelity. Why would you get divorced or separate? You want to know what this person would divorce over and make sure you know how not to get divorced. Children + Birth Control BOTH: I do not want children at all at any point. Not adoption. Not birth. OR I want {insert quantity} of my own children. I want to wait {insert quantity} years before we try to conceive. I am / am not open for adoption. OR Do you want kids? How many? How far into marriage do you want to attempt conception? Are you open for adoption? I support all forms of birth control / only certain kinds of birth control / I don't support birth control at all. What about you? Not everybody supports birth control, especially certain religious people. Gender Roles + Chores Modern I want 50/50 split for all responsibilities in our marriage (child care, meals, laundry, cleaning, errands, etc.). When we have children, I will only take maternity / paternity leave, not quit my career entirely. For a chore split: Your laundry time is Mon-Wed and mine is Thu-Fri; so just have your clothes out of the washer/dryer by Wednesday night; whoever doesn't cook dinner cleans up the kitchen and we can alternate dinner everyday or every week; on Saturday's we will tag-team cleaning the house - I will do the kitchen and living room, you can do the bedroom and bathroom - whoever mows the lawn can give up their hardest chore to the other person (so bathroom or kitchen); while our children are young, whoever gets off on time to get them will. Whoever isn't cooking dinner will give the kids a bath until they are old enough to do that themselves. etc... Come up with your own chore split. Traditional I believe in traditional gender roles where the woman stays home and handles all child care, cooking, and cleaning; and the man works and worries about money and paying bills. What about you? GIRLS: I want to stop working as soon as I am married OR I want to stop working only after I have children; and I reserve the right to return to work if I feel I need to due to your treatment towards me. Elder Care Take care. I do not want my parents in a nursing home. I want to take care of them either in their house or ours once they reach that age. I am willing to do the same for your parents. If that won’t work for you then I do not want to date. Nursing home. I do not want to take care of my parents or yours in our house or their own house; and I want to put them in a nursing home. I do not want to take care of either of our parents once they reach that age. If that won’t work for you then I do not want to date. Parental care is something most people will have to consider down the line, talking about it now can help prevent arguments. Physical Compatibility I am a [insert race] woman/man. If I am not your ‘type’ is that something you think you will struggle with at any point in our relationship when it comes to being faithful? Some people grow to resent their partners because they aren't their 'type' or first choice. Go ahead and attempt to prevent that from happening. Pets Do you have any pets? Open to all. I am open to any pet, including exotic ones: snake, rat, ferret, fish, dog, cat, horse, goat, etc. as long as we have the finances and time to support it. Open to some. I am only open to non-exotic, household pets like dogs and cats and only if we have the finances and time to support them. Open to none. I am not open to any pets, not even fish. Cultural Compatibility BOTH: Is your family cultural in any way? Are there certain expectations for men and women to follow in your family that I would be expected to follow as your spouse? For example, like women not allowed to speak over men, women expected to do the housework, etc.? I'd like to know what would be expected of me before I commit to you and those cultural expectations. Sometimes being 'inclusive' isn't a good idea for marriage and can lead to not thinking about how cultural differences would actually affect us in negative ways. Wedding Vision Big wedding. I want a big wedding. I have a lot of friends and family members. This will be costly, but I don't mind spending the money. Small wedding. I don’t want a big wedding, but something small and intimate. I don't want to break the bank for one night. Elope. I want to spend the least amount of money on a wedding. I want to elope and save as much money as possible. Honeymoon. I want a honeymoon in {insert}. I have a small / large honeymoon budget. Relationship Dynamics Anxious Attachment vs. Avoidant Attachment vs. Secure Attachment Anxious attachment. Currently, I have an anxious attachment style and I would get anxious if my spouse was around other people and I couldn't be there. Are you somebody who would be annoyed or bothered if your spouse wanted to always be with you when you socialize? If yes, we shouldn't date. Avoidant attachment. Currently, I have an avoidant attachment style and I desire my own independence around other people. I value independence and emotional distance, and I have discomfort with intimacy. I might withdraw when a relationship becomes too close. Are you somebody who would be annoyed or bothered if your spouse was avoidant and preferred emotional space? If yes, we shouldn't date. Secure attachment. Currently, I have a secure attachment style and I would not get anxious if my spouse was around other people and I couldn't be there. Are you somebody who would be annoyed or bothered if your spouse wanted to always be with you when you socialize? If yes, we could still date each other. Though, if trust was broken in the marriage and I became anxious, would that be something you are willing to work with? Independence Level High independence desire. Whenever I am with my friends, I do mind if my spouse is there and would get annoyed if they wanted to be there all the time. If you have an anxious attachment we shouldn't date, but I'd be okay if you had an avoidant or secure attachment style. Low independence desire. Whenever I am with my friends, I do not mind if my spouse is there and would not get annoyed if they wanted to be there all the time. If you have an anxious attachment style, we could still date. Relationship Style Ride or die. I want my spouse to be my best friend. I want to spend all of our free time together. I want to do everything together. I want to limit time spent with friends, as I think that opens the door for competition, jealousy, and infidelity down the line. And for the friends we do have, I don't want separate friend groups. I want one friend group and for us to hang out together. Separate lives. I want my spouse to be my best friend, but I want my own life still. I'd like to have my spouse in one hand, and my friends in another. I don't want to spend all of our free time together. I want to keep putting effort into my friendships. I don't want to do everything with my spouse. I do not want to limit time spent with my friends. I would like to keep separate friend groups. Social + Personal Life Social Media No-Go Once married, I want to get rid of of all social media, including SnapChat, Instagram, FaceBook, and more; and I want my partner to as well. Some okay. Once married, I want to get rid of all social media except FaceBook and Pinterest, and I want to be able to see my spouse's friend's list and dm's. Okay Once married, I am okay with my spouse having all forms of social media, except things like OnlyFans and porn-related platforms. Friend Time Limited I want my spouse to limit time with friends to no more than 4 times per year before and after kids. Often I don't care how often my spouse spends time with friends before kids, but after kids I want it to be cut down to 4 times per year. Bad Influences If any of your friends or family members, even siblings, are bad influences and do not respect me or our relationship, I do not want to date unless you are willing to severely limit contact with those people. You will have to choose them or me. Examples of 'bad influence' includes doing drugs, encouraging you to 'check out' other people (window shopping), inviting you to places I would like you going (Hooters, TwinPeaks, strip club, etc.), having a criminal record, talking negatively about me or our relationship behind my back to try to convince you to leave instead of confronting me directly, etc. Opposite-Sex Friends Infidelity safeguard. Once engaged, I do not want you continuing friendships with anybody of the opposite-sex unless I am directly involved. If you want to text them, it needs to be a group-chat with just us three or a big group. This goes for phone messaging, email, or social media. If you want to call, I want to be in the room. If you want to hang out in person, I want to be there. No infidelity safeguard. I don't mind if you have friends of the opposite sex and talk and spend time with them without me there. I plan on doing the same. Bachelor/ette Parties No-Go Once we are married, I do not want you going to any party I cannot attend, including bachelor/ette parties, whether for family or friends (unless they are devoutly religious and have my full trust). Is that something you are okay with? Okay Once we are married, I do not mind you going to any parties, even if I can't go, including bachelor/ette parties. Overnight Friend Trips No-Go Once we are married, I do not want you going on any overnight trips with friends. Okay Once we are married, I do not mind you going on any overnight trips with friends, even if I can't come. Alone Time vs. Social Time A lot. I need a lot of alone time. I like time to think for myself. Sometimes I like to take drives or go hiking alone and stuff. If that won't work for you we shouldn't date. A little. As of right now, before kids, I do not need a lot of alone time. A shower or using the toilet is enough alone time for me. Having children might change only needing 'a little' alone time. Solo Leisurely Travel No-Go I do not want my spouse traveling anywhere far away without me, especially overnight. The exception is if it is work related. I don't mean if you want to go to a store hours away, I mean I don't want you taking leisurely trips or 'get-a-ways' without me there. Okay I don't care if my spouse takes solo leisurely trips without me, I plan on doing the same. Sports Fan Fan I am somebody who has to watch the game, if you know what I mean. It's high on the priority list. What about you? No fan. I don't mind watching the game, but usually if somebody else has it on. I don't need or even really desire to watch it or anything. What about you? Sports + Hobbies Hobby horse. I have hobbies / play sports including {insert hobbies/sports} and I plan on doing these while I am married still up to {insert days/hours} per week. Will that work for you? No hobbies. I don't currently have any hobbies, but I could see myself picking some hobbies up once I have time. Social Media No-Go I do not have social media. I do not want my spouse to have social media (SnapChat, Instagram, FaceBook, etc.) because I think it opens the door to too many distractions and opens the door to infidelity. Is that something you would be okay with? Okay I do have social media. I do not care if my spouse has social media, as long as I can see their account and their direct messages. Health and Fitness I do not want to date or marry somebody who isn’t health-conscious. I myself am and want a partner who shares the same viewpoints. Do you exercise and eat healthy (i.e. whole-foods predominately)? Clubbing, Bars, + Parties No-Go I do not want to go clubbing, to bars, or to parties at all and I don't want my spouse to either. If we are eating dinner out together and you want to sit at the bar, that is fine. I mean I don't want to 'go out' in the sense of going downtown. Okay, if I am there Once married, I don’t want a spouse that goes to parties, clubs, bars, or anything related whether it’s for work or not, unless I am present. Is that something you could agree to? This would include work-related events like happy hours, booze cruises, etc. unless they are mandatory. If they are mandatory, I’d like to see evidence of that as well. Okay, even if I am not there Once married, I am fine with my spouse going clubbing, bar hopping, or to parties without me. Secret Societies No-Go I do not want a spouse in any secret society like the Free Masons, Eastern Stars, or anything similar. Okay I am fine with my spouse being in secret societies like the Free Masons, Eastern Stars, or anything similar and I plan on doing the same thing. Work Career I’m a nurse/attorney/software developer/store manager/etc. My hours are about 40-50 on average. What is your career and what are your hours like? Tell them WHAT you do, not WHERE you do it. Work Travel No-Go I do not want my spouse to travel overnight for work at all or have a job where they are stationed away from me for any reason. I want my spouse at home with me every night. Okay I am okay with a little overnight work travel, but only here and there (let's say maybe 4 times per year). I don't care. I do not care how much my spouse travels for work. Happy Hours + Work Social Events No-Go I do not want my spouse going to happy hours, booze cruises, or any corporate event unless I can attend. If there is a mandatory, work-related event I cannot attend, that is an exception; but I would want proof it is 'mandatory' and that I cannot attend. Okay I am totally fine with my spouse going to happy hours, if I can trust them of course. Coworker Friends No-Go I do not want you being friends with coworkers of the opposite sex AT ALL. You can be friendly, but not 'friends' that communicate with each other outside of work. Okay I don't mind if you make friends with coworkers. Greek life. No-Go I do not wish to date anybody who was part of Greek life in college. Okay I am fine dating anybody who was in Greek life in college. Finances + Credit History Debt I am in {insert} worth of debt. I plan to pay this off myself. How did you want to handle your debt? Bank Accounts When married, would you want to keep assets like cars and bank accounts separate (a house we would split) or combine all? Credit Score What is your credit score range? Mine is {insert}. If it's bad, that's an indicator they are not financially responsible. Eviction Have you ever been evicted? If yes, this could make it hard to find a place to rent. Temper and Sociopathy Criminal Record I would like to run a criminal record check on you, do you consent? I would need your full legal name, your birthday, and a list of all the states you've lived in. Go to the court website for each state and search their full name and birthday to see if any charges come up. If they don't consent, I'd drop them. Assume they have something to hide. Bonus points if you check their siblings. Crimes to look out for include sex offenders, drug charges, domestic violence charges, gun violence, etc. If they have a criminal record, consider how that would affect their future employment options and interfere with providing for a family; and what it might indicate about their mentality or temper. Anger Issues, Impulsivity, and Lack of Self-Control Fights. Have you ever been in a serious physical fight above the age of 12? Shoving, punching, kicking, slapping, etc. What caused the fight and with who? How old were you? Have you ever hit or attempted to hit a teacher, a classmate, or somebody else you weren't related to? Highschool Archetype I would like a record of your high school behavioral transcript, as well as your college one. Would you be willing to contact your schools and let me see those records? Without divine intervention, most people get slightly worse morally after highschool. Addictions Porn I am not willing to date somebody with a porn addiction or somebody who watches porn at all, including platforms like OnlyFans and social media to a certain extent; so if you do we can stop contact. Alcohol Addiction I do not want a partner who drinks excessively (more than 2 drinks a week). Is that something you would struggle with? Nicotine Addiction I do not want a partner who smokes or vapes in any way. Drug Addiction I do not want a partner that has ever done illegal drugs at any point. If you don’t fit that description I’d like to not date. The exception is weed. If you’ve done it but don’t plan on doing it anymore that is fine. Prescriptions I don’t want a partner who has been on antidepressants, anxiety medication, or any other medication intended to regulate psychological conditions for a prolonged amount of time or plans to be. I think there are other, better, healthier ways to deal with psychological conditions. Past Relations, Sexual Biology, and STIs Biological gender. What gender were you assigned at birth? Do you have XX or XY chromosomes? Genetic abnormalities might be encountered (like XXY chromosomes). Transgenderism + sexual anatomy. Are you trans? Does your sexual anatomy match the anatomy that naturally corresponds to your chromosomes. Do you have a micro penis, medically and literally? - not in a funny way or anything. I am being serious. If yes, is that something you are willing to get cosmetic surgery to fix? Do you have tuberous breasts, medically and literally - not in a funny way or anything. I am being serious. If yes, is that something you are willing to get cosmetic surgery to fix? Openness to cosmetic surgery. No-Go, no questions allowed I will not be open to any cosmetic surgery once married, and I am not open to any questions about my body currently. What you will see is what you will get. You shouldn't even be watching porn and comparing me with others anyways. No-Go, questions allowed I will not be open to any cosmetic surgery once married, so if you have any questions about my body ask now. I am in a C-cup. My areolas are about 2-inches total in diameter before my nipples get hard. Some okay. I will be open to some cosmetic surgery once married, and only if you pay for it. I would be open to things like areola reduction, but not implants for anything (breasts, butt, etc.). I won't be getting anything done on my face either. All okay. I will be open to any and all cosmetic surgery once married as long as you pay for it. Infertility. No-Go, with divorce Having kids is a big deal for me, so if you have any known infertility concerns like diabetes, PCOS, endometriosis, or other conditions that negatively affect fertility or giving birth I would unfortunately not want to date. If you happen to have a condition currently unknown to you, I would want a divorce once we find out. No-Go, without divorce Having kids is a big deal for me, so if you have any known infertility concerns like diabetes, PCOS, endometriosis, or other conditions that negatively affect fertility or giving birth I would unfortunately not want to date. If you happen to have a condition currently unknown to you, I would not hold that against you and I would not seek divorce. I would accept the fact we might not have kids. Okay I do not have a problem not having kids, so if you have any known infertility concerns like diabetes, PCOS, endometriosis, or other conditions that negatively affect fertility or giving birth I won't have an issue if we can't have kids. Genetic testing. I prefer to do genetic testing before we get married to rule out a high risk of birth defects for our children if we have any. Porn brain. Do you have 'porn brain' and have unrealistic expectations for sexual anatomy sizes? (penis, nipples, butt, etc.). Past marriages. Have you ever been married? Are you still married? If you are no longer married, would you be willing to show me the divorce certificate? Children. Do you have children? How many? How old are they? By how many men/women? Abstinence history + body count. I’ve already stated I want a partner who also is abstinent, but I am willing to overlook past sexual relations if it has been a substantial amount of time, let’s say at least 2 years. Have you had premarital sex? When was the last time? Additionally, I am not open to dating anybody with a body count above 5 for any reason, (unless you were sexually abused as a child, I would not count that); so if you do, there is no need for further contact. OnlyFans, porn, sex work history. I am not willing to date somebody who has shot porn and/or OnlyFans content (whether you were filming, managing, or in it). I am not willing to date somebody who has prostituted themselves or somebody else. I am not willing to date somebody who has bought sex or pornographic content from somebody else or sold it. If you have done anything mentioned or related, there is no point in further contact. Have you ever pimped somebody out, even if they agreed to it? Incurable STIs No-Go I am not willing to date anyone with an incurable STI including HIV/AIDS; Herpes Simplex Virus (HSV-1 and HSV-2); Hepatitis B; sexually transmitted types of Human Papillomavirus (HPV) includingHPV 6; HPV 11; HPV 16; HPV 18; HPV 31; HPV 33; HPV 35; HPV 39; HPV 45; HPV 51; HPV 52; HPV 56; HPV 58; HPV 59; HPV 66; HPV 68; and others not mentioned. I would like evidence you don't have any with an STI test report before we continue dating. Okay I am willing to date anyone with an incurable STI. I still would like to see an STI test report before we continue dating. Dangerous Insecurities A Real Man GIRLS: What is a real man to you? GIRLS: Are you still waiting to be 'initiated' into manhood? What I mean by that is, do you feel like you still need to prove you are a man or do you think you already are one? Pretty GUYS: Do you think male attention validates your worth and how pretty you are or are you content without male attention? GUYS: Once we get married, are you still going to seek male validation? Gender Bias Boys or girls. Would you be okay not having sons? Would you be okay not having daughters? Saying 'yes' to one and 'no' to the other may indicate a gender bias and potential sexism. Bodily Functions Do you think women shouldn’t fart in front of their man? Would you get angry and start an argument if you saw a woman's menses in the restroom, or do you think you'd just politely ask for that not to happen again? Are you okay if your spouse farts in front of you? Are you okay if your spouse burps in front of you? Are you okay if your spouse is in the restroom while you are using it in any way? Not everybody is okay with these things. Politics Political party. I would consider myself a conservative OR liberal OR progressive, etc. What about you? Abortion Not at all. I do not believe in abortion at all, for any reason. For some reasons. I only believe in abortion for…(mother’s life; severe disabilities like cyclopia, otocephaly, etc.; etc.) For any reason w/ time frame. I believe in abortion from conception until week {INSERT} for any reason. Assume they will teach your children the same things they believe... Immigration GO ICE! I am against all illegal immigration for any reason, even asylum seeking. Criminals out only. I believe illegals here seeking refuge should get a chance. Everybody else can go. ICE OUT Nobody is illegal on stolen land I'm racist I am against all immigration unless it is people who are European. Assume they will teach your children the same things they believe... Women's Rights Voting. I think women should be allowed to vote. What about you? working. I think women working should be commonplace in society, what about you? Male authority. I do not think women need to listen and submit to men unless they do so willingly and they can revoke their submission at any point. What about you? Intelligence and capabilities. I think women and men have the same capacity for intelligence. What about you? Assume they will teach your children the same things they believe... Building Trust + Vetting for Manipulation Building trust. Hypothetically speaking, if I went through your phone right now, would I be disappointed based on our conversations up to this point? Intentions. BOTH: If you had a child, would you tell them they should be wary of men’s intentions? “What do you mean?” - Playing Dumb Truth Dodging. They are trying to distract you from the main point. “I’m not sure.” - Playing Dumb Truth Dodging. They are a predator or naive. If a predator, they’ll hurt you. If naive, they won’t protect you because they don't perceive any danger. “I don’t have a daughter.” - Red Herring Truth Dodging. They are trying to distract you from the main point. “Not all men are bad.” - potentially Wolf-Sheep-Wolf. They are a predator or naive. If a predator, they'll hurt you. If naive, they won’t protect you because they don't perceive any danger. If they say anything but ‘yes’, just say, “Never mind.” and don’t plan on dating again. Generosity BOTH: If you pay on the first date and their portion of the bill is $60, do you expect sex? “I prefer it, especially if I pay.” - They are transactional, not generous. “Yes, that’s fair.” - They are transactional, not generous. Any ‘yes’ answer also means they think the risk of pregnancy and bodily access is only worth $60. Empathy Do you think men or women risk more if a couple has kids? Objectively and unbiasedly, the woman risks everything the man risks and more when bringing children into the world. Their answer will help you gauge how much empathy they have. When having a child, women risk: Losing custody + paying child support Gaining custody + being a single parent + potentially falling into poverty Having to do all the childcare Emotional pain from miscarriage Physical pain from miscarriage Morning sickness (vomiting, nausea) Mild-to-severe physical pain during and after birth The skin between her anus and vagina tearing during birth Getting her stomach cut open Getting cheated on because she becomes far less physically attractive during pregnancy Birth complications (hemorrhage, preeclampsia/eclampsia, infections, severe depression + anxiety) Dying from birth complications When having a child, men risk: Losing custody + paying child support Gaining custody + being a single parent + potentially falling into poverty Having to do all the childcare Emotional pain from miscarriage Having to deal with not getting sex Losing their wife Final Steps There are a few things you need to do before you set up an in-person date: Professional criminal background check. You should have done a court search earlier in the 'Temper and Sociopathy' section, but if your prospect has made it this far, it would be worth spending the $50+ to get a professional background check. Consider checking the criminal records of their family members as well Divorce certificate. If they told you they were divorced, make sure they prove it. Some people lie or they aren't actually divorced they are just going through the process and tell you they are 'divorced'. Behavioral history. Make sure you obtain their behavioral records from high school and college before you date in person. STI test. Make sure you see their STI report to make sure they were being truthful in anything they told you. Narrow your selection. The recommended maximum people you could handle dating in-person at the same time with the default boundaries is two people. If you set different boundaries for yourself, determine how many people you could date in person. For example, if you will only date between 11 AM and 4 PM, you probably can't date during the week because people are at work; so you'd only have the weekends to date. How many people could you date in a single weekend? If you set the boundary of no physical romantic contact until marriage or at least engagement, and your prospect agreed to your 'dating multiple people boundary' then dating multiple people shouldn't be an issue. Do not totally reject a prospect. Just don't date them in person yet and continue talking to them. Ideally, you should try to date everybody who has passed the Phone Phase in person, but you can't date them all at once. What you will do instead is choose two to date, and if one rejects you or you cut them due to incompatibility, fill the spot with another prospect who made it passed the Phone Phase. Next Phase If everything checks out, move on to the next phase - The Serious Phase. Important Realizations Congratulations if a prospect gets passed the Phone Phase, which is the hardest phase to get through; but you still aren't in the clear. They could be lying. Don't assume you are ready to be romantic yet, you still need to make sure they truly respect your boundaries and they weren't just saying they do to get you in person. People change. It is very important for you to realize that just because they answered everything correctly today doesn't mean they won't change and have different answers in 10 years. This is why faith in Christ is important. Over a life-long marriage, you will not be married to one person in essence because people change over a lifetime.